


Who's Your Daddy?

by hotchoco195



Series: Miloverse [5]
Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Avengers Family, Bad Dads, F/M, FrostWidow, Mystery, Tony freaking out, Unplanned Pregnancy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-02
Updated: 2013-08-02
Packaged: 2017-12-22 04:47:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,629
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/909095
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hotchoco195/pseuds/hotchoco195
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tony tries to track down the owner of a positive pregnancy test and fails miserably.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Who's Your Daddy?

This was the moment Tony Stark had always sort of expected, but so far managed to escape. This was the long-dreaded catastrophe he’d had nightmares about since college. This was the positive pregnancy test lying casually in the bathroom bin.

He fell to his knees, clutching at the thin white plastic with a gape of horror. How could this happen? How could Pepper not tell him? He tried to assure himself it wasn’t true, that they were always safe, but those mocking blue lines betrayed him.

The question was, what now? Other than sitting on the floor slightly catatonic or outdrinking a Norse god. There was no way he could see Pepper like this. She’d know the second she saw his face, and then she’d be hurt that he was freaking out when really he was just thrown. Tony held the test tighter and stood, stumbling towards his workshop. This required some serious thought.

 

Pepper was on the couch reading the paper when a scared, guilty-looking Tony dragged himself in around eleven with grease from wrists to elbows.

“Hey. You were down there awhile – new project?”

He cleared his throat. “Uh yeah, guess. I was trying to make a self-rocking cradle.”

Her head snapped up with a frown. “A what?”

“You know, a cradle that rocks itself so you don’t have to do it, but I had some trouble with the speed regulator.”

“Why would you be doing that? Is someone pregnant?”

He froze. Was that a trick question? But as he searched Pepper’s curious face he realised she was genuinely asking.

“Oh, you know. Maybe I was thinking we could use it.”

She looked at him sceptically. “Really? You never struck me as one for kids.”

“I could be,” he jutted his chin up, “I could be if they were ours. I mean we’re married, right? That’s what people do.”

“We’re not like other people, Tony. I’m not in a place right now where I can babysit you, your company _and_ an actual child. Maybe in five years or so.”

“Oh. Okay. Well it might take me five years to make a cradle that won’t shake the baby to death anyway.”

“Alright. Keep on it.” She went back to her paper with a smile and he frowned.

If it wasn’t Pepper’s test, whose was it?

*****

He figured the next safest bet was Nat and Loki. They were married, they seemed to have the family thing down – maybe they’d decided to add one of their own to the already crowded house on Long Island. Maybe Loki was trying to compensate for Hel moving into the Tower. He invited Natasha over to check out his ‘new equipment’ and paced the workshop, repeating his questions in his head.

“You alright, Stark?”

Tony jumped and spun. “Jesus, don’t do that! I’ll start making you wear a bell.”

She folded her arms. “You’ll try. So you had something you wanted to show me?”

“Uh, yeah. This way.”

He led her to a table with a set of Widow’s Bites laid out in pieces. He picked up a battery and turned it lazily.

“I’ve given these a little more pep – still non-lethal normally, but you’ve got the option to step it up if we’re in another Chitauri kill-or-be-killed situation. They also take half the time to recharge and last twice as long.”

“Thanks.” She smiled at him.

“Well I just want to make sure we all go into the field at our best. You know, keep everyone safe. We’ve got people at home depending on us.”

She gave him a blank look. “I suppose.”

“Have you ever thought about retiring?”

“Excuse me?”

“I mean, you’ve been a spy your whole life. You must be getting pretty sick of it. I can see you taking it easy, playing house with Loki and a couple of rugrats at your feet.”

“You can see that?” she said dryly.

Tony rubbed the back of his neck, trying to avoid her stare. “Um, yeah. I mean you’re already halfway there with the stepkids thing.”

“Tony, I can’t have children.”

He stopped suddenly. “Sorry?”

She hugged herself. “I was Red Room, it was protocol...they didn’t need their agents being compromised.”

“Right. Course. Sorry, ignore me, I’m an idiot.”

She laid a hand on his. “Thanks for the Bites.”

“I’ll get them to you by the end of the day.”

She walked out and Tony clapped a hand to his face, cursing himself for being so thick.

 

After that the most likely suspects were Thor and Jane. They were engaged, totally in love, full of dynastic urges. Asgardians probably weren’t great with the whole birth control process. But Tony didn’t really know Jane well enough to burst into her lab and ask those sorts of questions, so he sought out the thunder god himself.

Thor looked up from his breakfast with a grin. “Ah, friend Stark! How goes your morning?”

“Great big guy, really great. I wanted to ask you something.”

“Certainly. Sit yourself!”

Tony slumped over the edge of the table, watching as the blond devoured half a box of Poptarts in two bites.

“So...you and Jane. With the big wedding stuff, yeah?”

Thor beamed. “Yes! My mother has begun preparations. Of course you will all be invited to our Midgardian ceremony, and I shall try my hardest to get you passage to Asgard as well.”

“Excellent, always wanted to see the place. But uh, you two aren’t...you’re not getting an early start on the baby-making are ya?”

To his eternal surprise, Thor actually blushed. He started nibbling at the edge of a Poptart and avoiding Tony’s gaze. The inventor leaned in, certain he was on the right track now.

“The Lady Jane and I...we are...we follow your Midgardian rules of being careful.”

“Oh. Always?”

“She is quite insistent.” He looked embarrassed.

“I take it she would be. Okay.” He clapped a hand to Thor’s shoulder and stood.

The god frowned. “But why do you ask, Man of Iron?”

“No reason.”

“You are perhaps wondering about your own baby-making with Lady Pepper?”

“No, no, we’re pretty clear on that subject – totally waiting.”

“Then I do not understand.”

Tony sighed. “Look, if I tell you, you have to promise to keep it to yourself.”

“I swear it.”

“I found a pregnancy test in the Tower.”

Thor looked more confused.

“It’s a thing women pee on to check if they’re, you know, with child.”

“And this woman is?”

“Yes, and since it’s not Pepper I’m trying to figure out who it could be.”

Thor looked thoughtful. “You are sure it is one of us?”

“Found it in a bathroom on our private common floor. Has to be an Avenger.”

“But you do not know who?”

“I asked Jarvis but there are no cameras in the bathrooms and no one came out looking distressed on the tapes.”

Thor grinned. “Then I shall help you find them!”

“I’m not sure that’s a great idea...”

“You do not think I could be of assistance?” He looked hurt.

Tony smiled tightly. “Sure. You can help.”

“Marvellous! Who shall we ask?”

 

Thor stuck his head into Jane’s lab but his fiancée wasn’t there. Darcy was typing at her laptop and the god waltzed in, looking casual.

“Lady Darcy.”

“Hey Thor. If you’re looking for Jane, she’ll be back in a minute.”

“I shall remain here while I wait then,” he bent over a stack of files, seemingly reading the numbers, “Your research goes well?”

“Yep.”

“That is good. You know, it is strange to me your early civilisations worshiped the Aesir. We have no gods, only the Allfather.”

“I guess when magic and stuff are real for you, you don’t need a higher being to explain it all.”

“I was often equated to fertility by the humans.”

“Really? Saw you as more of the thunder guy.”

“That too, but does not rain make the crops grow? That is a kind of fecundity.”

“Um...sure. It does make sense, actually.”

“But I do have some knowledge of the Asgardian methods of preparing a woman for the changes of motherhood. Frigga was a great teacher of all things medicinal. So if you required any assistance with fertility, I _could_ be of use.”

Darcy gave him a puzzled smile. “Um, I’m good, but thanks.”

“Then perhaps you have no need of me! You are already with child?”

She snorted. “What? Me pop out a kid? No, I’m not but I still don’t need your help getting that way.”

“Ah. You and Agent Barton are waiting then.”

“Me and Agent Barton?” she looked up, “Thor, I know you just got your happy-ever-after engagement and all, but not everyone’s looking to settle down just yet. Clint’s an awesome guy but his life is dangerous, and I am way too young to be thinking about children.”

“Of course.” He turned away.

Her eyes narrowed. ‘Wait...is this about you and Jane?”

“What? No.”

“Are you trying to figure out if she wants kids?”

His face flushed. “The Lady Jane has been quite clear on the subject.”

Darcy chuckled. “Aw, you guys are so cute.”

Thor cleared his throat. “I shall wait outside, I think.”

“Little baby Thors and Janes...how freakin’ adorable!” she chanted after him.

Thor bolted down the hall to the empty lab where Tony was waiting.

“Well?”

“It is not the Lady Darcy. I know she is capable of much guile, but she seems adamant.”

Tony stroked his chin. “Damn. You know who’s next on the list, right?”

Thor gave him an oddly scared look. “I believe it is your turn to ask.”

“But she’s _your_ niece!”

“And if Loki got wind of even a hint of what we suspect, she will be locked in a cage for the next thousand years.”

 

In the end they drew straws for it and Tony lost. He waited until Bruce was very far away from the Tower and went down to their apartment. Hel smiled as he entered, wearing just an oversized nightshirt, her hair loose. It was an odd look on her skeletal side.

“Hello Anthony. Are you staying for dinner?”

“No, no just wanted to ask you something.”

“Are you certain? I made macaroni and cheese.”

Tony’s mouth twitched. “Well...maybe just one bowl.”

She smiled and dished up for him, taking both their plates to the table. “What is it that concerns you?”

“I’m just gonna be blunt with you, because I know you can take it, and because we need to keep this conversation between us.”

She frowned, chewing slowly.

“Are you and Bruce having a baby?”

Hel set down her fork and swallowed before bursting into a short laugh. Tony pushed his pasta around his plate until she’d finished.

“Is that your question, Anthony? No. Such a thing would be impossible.”

“Oh. Is there some kind of weird incompatibility issue?” he said gingerly.

“No. Bruce does not wish to sire a child with the Hulk in his blood. He does not wish to create another him.”

“I guess that makes sense. You know it’s not definite the kid would have it though, right? I mean Bruce is a one in a billion freak accident.”

“But he is cautious, and I am in no hurry to change his mind. I have a family already, and it is not always perfect. I will not bring a child into the world unless I could be certain it would never suffer those same troubles.”

“Perfectly sane way to look at it. Alright. So, can we keep this very much private? Cos if Bruce or Loki found out I’d been asking you these questions...”

“Why _do_ you ask, friend Stark?” she pursed her lips curiously.

“Pepper and I, uh, we were talking about it.”

“You cannot lie to me, mortal. Remember who my mother is.”

“Ah, right,” Tony grimaced, “Fine. I’m trying to figure out if any of the girls are pregnant. But you can’t tell anyone!”

She smiled. “An odd task but I promise, as you Midgardians say, that my lips are sealed.”

His eyes narrowed. “Say, you wouldn’t happen to know which girl it is...”

“Sealed!” she smiled happily, stabbing at her dinner.

“Got it.”

*****

Thor and Tony sat at a table in the SHIELD caf, the god leaning on his arms and Tony tapping at the tabletop mindlessly.

“So you believed her?”

“What she said sounds like something Bruce would think.”

“She is the daughter of the god of lies, Stark. She could make you agree with her.”

“No, no she’s right. So who is it then?”

Thor stuck his lip out thoughtfully. Clint entered the caf and scanned the room, stopping when he saw them. He marched over, crossing his arms angrily.

“Hey Thor, why were you bothering Darce about babies?”

“What? I do not know of what you speak, Hawk.”

“She seems to think it was about you and Jane but I’m not convinced. Now I don’t need you putting ideas in anyone’s head about children or marriage or settling down.”

Thor and Tony exchanged a look and the engineer patted the seat next to him.

“Quiet down, Barton. There’s a little Avengers secret we’ve been looking into.”

He frowned. “What kind of secret?”

“The peeing-on-a-stick kind.  Someone’s knocked up, it has to be one of ours, Thor’s helping me figure out who.”

“Oh,” Clint looked concerned, “And it’s definitely not Darcy, right?”

“It’s not Nat, it’s not Pepper, it’s not Darcy or Jane or Hel. We’re running out of options.” He pushed back in his chair.

Clint made a face. “What about Hill?”

“Hill? After all the effort it took just to get her and Steve into bed in the first place? No way they’re not having the safest sex in America.” Tony scoffed.

“Still, it has to be one of them, right?” he pressed.

“Yes.”

“And you don’t think any of the others were lying?”

Thor shrugged. “It seems doubtful.”

“Then we should ask her.”

“We?” Tony raised a brow.

“Oh I’m totally in now. In fact, I’ll even handle this one for you. Maria and I have a rapport.”

Tony laughed. “Really? Give it your best shot then, Barton.”

 

Clint wanted to find the right moment. After briefings was too stressful; after missions too hard, since the team always wanted to do stuff together. He had to get her alone in her office without putting her on the defensive. So after a week of staking out the air vents and testing some long-neglected baking skills, Clint swept into Maria’s office with a tray of triple choc muffins and a huge cheeky smile.

“Muffin, ma’am?”

She paused in the middle of signing something. “I don’t think so.”

“I made them fresh myself this morning.”

“Then definitely no.”

“Aw, come on! Where’s the trust?”

“In a spy agency?” she raised a brow, turning the page.

“Well at least try one. Bet you’re as crazy for chocolate as every other woman I’ve passed in the hall. More so, maybe.”

There was something in his tone that made her set down her pen. “Barton?”

“Yes?”

“Out with it.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“The muffins? The idle chitchat? You want something, or you need information. Out with it.”

He winced and set down the tray. “It was supposed to go a lot smoother than this.”

“Barton...”

“Are you pregnant?”

Maria fell back in her chair as if slapped. “Excuse me?”

“Tony had this theory that one of the girls was knocked up, see, and we were trying to work through the list.”

“Not that it’s any of your goddamn business, but no, I am not pregnant.”

“Okay. Sorry for the intrusion then. You understand I had to check?”

“Sure.” She said tiredly.

“Okay. Keep the muffins.” Clint ducked his head and walked out.

Tony and Thor gave him a questioning look in the hall and he shrugged. Tony frowned.

“Then who the hell is it?”

 

Maria scowled at the tray before picking one up and peeling back the paper, moaning as she took a bite.

“You lied to him.”

She didn’t even flinch at Natasha suddenly leaning on the filing cabinet in the corner. “I don’t know what you mean.”

“Your breasts are bigger, you’ve put on weight in your face and thighs. You’ve stopped sparring in the mornings and you often drift off during briefings. You were obviously distracted if you left that pregnancy test at the Tower. You’re about three and a half months?”

She swallowed, picking at the muffin. “Almost four.”

“You’re keeping it, but you haven’t told Steve yet.”

“I wasn’t sure how. I mean, I don’t know what he’ll expect from me.”

“Steve might surprise you. He’s a good option to have.”

“You think I should tell him?” Maria looked up.

“I think that’s entirely up to you, but it might be nice to know you have some support.”

“I haven’t even told Fury yet.” She traced a finger over her paperwork.

“You’ll have to do it eventually. You don’t have long before you start showing.”

“It was just a stupid accident, you know? Just one night when I knew better but I didn’t care, and then...I couldn’t get rid of it.”

The redhead placed a hand on her shoulder. “I would give anything to have even the chance of your predicament right now. I know that doesn’t make it suck any less, but these things – sometime’s they’re a blessing in disguise.”

Nat reached over and filched a muffin, sauntering out and leaving Maria to think.

*****

“You’re what?”

“You heard me, director.” Maria braced herself before the desk.

“Oh I heard, I just thought maybe you’d made a mistake.”

“No. I’m seventeen weeks.”

Fury steepled his fingers under his chin. “The father’s Rogers?”

“Yes sir, but he doesn’t know yet.”

“You’re on desk duty for the next six months, understand me?”

“Perfectly, sir.”

“You can discuss the terms of your leave with HR later. For now I want you to figure out a way to tell the captain without sending him into a panic. I need my team to stay focused.”

“Yes sir.” She turned to leave.

“Oh and Hill?”

Maria looked back over her shoulder.

“Congratulations.”

She smiled. “Thank you, sir.”

Nat was waiting in the hall outside and she gave Maria a sly wink. “See? Not so bad, was it?”

“It could have been worse.”

“Steve will be like a teddy bear compared to Fury.”

“I’m not worried about him being angry. I’m worried about giving him a heart attack or a burst of ‘40s shotgun wedding shame.”

“It’s all in the wording. When are you telling him?”

“Tonight. Figured I’d get them both over with at once.”

“Good luck.” She squeezed Maria’s arm.

“I’ll need it.”

 

Tony frowned as the elevator doors dinged.

“Bit late for visitors. Jarvis?”

“It’s Captain Rogers, sir.”

“Oh. Well tell him I’m at the bar.” He finished pouring his drink.

A moment later Steve shuffled in. His eyes looked hollow and unseeing, arms hanging limp at his sides. Tony raised both brows and stepped forward.

“Hi, wanna take a seat buddy?”

“I’ve done something terrible.”

“Okay, uh you elaborate and I’ll make you one of these.” He took a large sip.

Steve collapsed onto the couch and Tony quickly threw together a second drink, crossing to sit with him. He held it out but the super soldier didn’t take it until Tony actually physically closed his fingers around the glass.

“What’s up, pal?”

“Maria’s pregnant.”

“Aha!” Tony thrust a fist in the air triumphantly.

Steve gave him a stunned look and the genius slowly lowering it, coughing.

“I mean, really?”

“How could we let this happen?”

“When a man and a woman love each other-”

“Tony!”

“Alright! I get it, it’s a shock to the old system. But a baby’s not necessarily a bad thing. I’m sure you’d be a great dad.”

“I’m not so convinced. I told Maria I’d marry her and it just seemed to piss her off. I don’t know what the hell I’m doing, Tony! Back where I come from, there were certain standards of behaviour, but they never really applied to me so I didn’t worry about them. And now everything’s changed and I’m lost.”

“You don’t think every guy who ever heard ‘You’re going to be a father’ wasn’t as lost and stupid as you?”

“I want to make this right.” He looked up, jaw clenched.

“So do whatever Hill asks you to. Be there for her. Show that big ol’ sensitive side. I bet she needs a ton of help getting ready. And then once the baby comes you can work out how the parenting thing is gonna happen.”

“You don’t think it’s wrong? That we’re not, well, married?”

“You’re a genetically engineered super soldier and she helps run an elite group of superheroes. I think that is the least of your problems.”

Steve took a deep breath. “Okay. Okay, you’re right. It’s the future. Things are more relaxed and our lives are not exactly normal. I can do this.”

“Yeah you can. Drink up! You’re gonna be a daddy!”

“You know I can’t get drunk, right?”

Tony shrugged and poured the contents of Steve’s glass into his. “Fine with me. Say, we should make this a proper party. Jarvis, get Clint, Bruce, and Thor up here, and ask Lokes and his boys over too.”

“Right away, sir.”

*****

The knock was so gentle Maria almost missed it, but she hadn’t become a deputy director without honing her senses to above average levels. She pulled herself out of bed and threw on a dressing gown.

“Coming!”

She stepped through the apartment without turning the lights on, completely aware of her surroundings even in the dark. The pregnancy thing was starting to mess with her balance but for the moment she was as agile as ever. Hill took her back-up gun from the hall table and turned on the security camera to see Steve walking away.

“Steve? Wait a second!” she threw back the bolts and stepped outside.

He turned and gave her a funny half-smile. “I didn’t really want to wake you, I just thought-”

“It’s fine. Come in.” She tucked her hair behind her ear almost shyly.

He gave that goofy smile again and came in, walking past. She sniffed and made a wry face.

“You smell like one of Stark’s parties.”

“I just came from one. After you told me, I went to see Tony. He decided we had to have a proper celebration.”

“You can’t get drunk.” She walked around turning lights on and filled the kettle.

“Yeah I know, but the others did. I uh, I don’t think they’ll be up for any assembling tomorrow.” He said guiltily.

“That’s not my problem right now. Does this mean you’re...okay? With everything?”

Steve grinned and crossed the kitchen, taking her hands in his. “Yes. I think it’s amazing. I think you’re a fantastic, brave woman and I want to help. And we don’t have to get married if you don’t want to – someone explained to me that’s not really how it’s done anymore, and I’m fine with it.”

She smiled. “Thank you, Steve.”

He ducked his head. “Though of course we’ll have to move in together. If that’s okay! I just thought it would make things easier-”

She laid a finger on his lips. “It’s okay. I think it’s a good idea. Just not the Tower, okay? It’s not the safest place in the world.”

“That’s fine with me.”

“You’re gonna be great at this. You already are. Don’t stress so much, okay?”

She kissed him and Steve held her close, his hands on her hips delicate as if she might break.

“You know, I never really expected this.”

“Me either.” She said into his shoulder.

“Guess we’ll figure it out together, huh?”

“I think we’ll have a lot of help.”

Steve laughed. “At least we’ll never be short of babysitters.”

 

Tony held up his glass and scanned his lounge room, waiting for quiet.

“Alright everyone, we’ve gathered you here for a very important announcement.”

“Is this why you’ve been acting so weird lately?” Darcy raised a brow.

“Weird? Since when am I weird?” Tony gasped with mock-offence.

“Get on with it.” Pepper rolled her eyes.

“Steve?”

The soldier reddened and squeezed Maria’s hand. “Some of the guys already know this, but we wanted to tell you together. We’re having a baby.”

There was an explosion of shrieks and cheers from the girls who hadn’t known. After the backslapping and teasing (and much blushing on Steve’s part) Darcy and Jane pulled Maria aside to gush and Loki slung an arm around the soldier’s shoulders.

“Parenthood is a most glorious thing, Rogers. I am sure you will be most adept at it, but always remember no matter how badly you screw up, you’ll never be as bad as Odin.”

“Um, thanks?”

“You’re welcome.” Loki smiled and wandered off.

“He wasn’t all bad.” Thor grumbled, following his brother.

“None of us really had great fathers,” Tony lolled over the couch, “Bruce, Clint, you and yours truly...none of us were close to our dads. And, uh - I’m sorry you guys, I don’t even know your father.”

Jormungand and his brothers shrugged. “Do not worry yourself, Stark.”

“So I guess what I’m saying is you’re already a better dad than like...five guys I can think of this second.”

“Thanks Tony. That’s actually sort of helpful.”

“No problem, buddy.”

“I know he’s going to be great.” Bruce grinned.

“I’m more worried about how he’s going to deal with Agent Hill,” Fenrir smiled, “She is a feisty woman now. Imagine when she is mid-term.”

Tony shuddered. “Can we change the subject? I have no doubt even eight months pregnant that woman could still do a number on me.”

“Hey, the super serum thing...is that going to have an effect on the baby?” Clint frowned.

Steve stuck out his lip. “I don’t know. Bruce?”

The doctor shrugged. “Not sure. It depends on whether the serum altered your DNA. It’s very possible. I can do some tests if you’d like.”

Steve flashed a glance at Maria smiling as she talked to the girls, her hands hovering over her stomach.

“Yeah, let’s do that. Just in case.”

*****

They kept it from the press as long as possible, but it was only a matter of time before someone got a photo of them smiling at each other outside a restaurant, Maria’s hand on her just-visible bump. The scandal of good-guy Captain America knocking up his girlfriend was mostly stamped out before it started thanks to Fury’s press department. Steve didn’t care about the papers, not really, provided they didn’t hassle Maria when she went out. He was used to shrugging off other people’s abuse. For him it was all about the little moments.

Like when Bruce said he couldn’t see anything abnormal about the baby and Steve could have cried with relief.

Or when he found them a secluded, homely townhouse near where he grew up and couldn’t wait to start moving in. Fury and Tony’s combined insistence on tricking it out with the best in home security first only mildly annoyed him – it was a nice gesture from the prickly pair.

When Maria was put on maternity leave and he could come home to her napping on the couch, hands clasped over her bulging belly, Steve felt nothing but pure joy and the feeling he was stupidly lucky. It was still sort of surreal that something like this had happened to him. He’d never expected to be allowed such happiness.

And those quiet moments made up for all the scary pregnancy hormones in the world.


End file.
